


(write to me and) escape

by starlight_sugar



Category: Campaign (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Online Dating, M/M, if you've ever heard the pina colada song this is basically just that but better
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-23
Updated: 2018-12-23
Packaged: 2019-09-25 04:03:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17114111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starlight_sugar/pseuds/starlight_sugar
Summary: So there’s this guy on the website named Blue. He seems to be messaging basically everyone, and he also doesn’t seem to understand the difference between public and private messages. Which, it’s not like Zero can judge, because he had to make Aava explain it to him. (In which Zero and Blue meet online.)





	(write to me and) escape

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is part of the AUcember series, a self-made challenge where I try to write a new AU one-shot every day. You can read all of the AUcember fics in the collection linked above.
> 
> If you're not familiar with the 70s classic [The Piña Colada Song,](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TazHNpt6OTo) that's... probably for the best, but it's a big part of what inspired this particular fic.

They’re about eighth in line at Starbucks when Aava announces, “I’m going to help you fix your life.”

Zero doesn’t say anything at first, because Aava says shit like this all the time. Aava, for all of her aloofness and coolness, is a fixer. She likes taking care of her family, and Zero is pretty sure that he counts as unofficial family now, given how much she tries to fix his life. She has tried to help him find a roommate, and learn how to cook, and get a better job. The operative word in all of those cases is “tried,” because Aava’s fixing isn’t compatible with Zero’s way of being fixed.

But, okay, he’s bored. He’s bored, and Aava’s paying for his coffee today. So he’ll bite. “What are we fixing today?”

“We’re going to find you someone to date.”

Zero thinks about this for a second. “Pass.”

“Pass?” Aava repeats. “But I already set up your dating profile.”

“My dating profile?”

“Yeah, so you can meet people.”

“I don’t need to meet people.”

“Name the last new person you met.” She squints at him, like she knows the answer. Which she probably does.

The last new person Zero met is his roommate Adnau, who he met online and who is the weirdest guy he knows. He plays orchestra music at weird hours and doesn’t actually ever seem to sleep. He pays his half of the rent, which is probably the most important part in Zero’s book, but Zero has no interest in knowing the guy as a person.

“Okay,” Zero says, because he’s not about to tell Aava to her face that she has a point. That is a trump card that he refuses to give her. “Let’s say I want to date people. Or make friends.”

“Or make friends,” Aava agrees. “I already set you up on an anonymous local site.”

“That sounds shady.”

“It is shady.”

“Have you met people there?”

“Zero, please.”

Zero squints at her. “That’s not an answer, you know that, right?”

“I do.” Aava smiles beatifically, and it’s the most unnerving thing that Zero has ever seen. “I’m not going to post the profile without your permission, of course, so if you could look over it that would be great.”

“To make sure that my dating profile is what I want it to be?”

She shrugs. “You should have some say in it.”

“I should have most of the say in it.”

“Then you’ll look over it?” She smiles at him, like she knows she has him. And she does, which sucks.

Zero sighs, making it as put-upon as he can. “If you already went to all of the effort of making it-”

“Which I did.”

“Then I guess I can give it a shot.”

“I’ll send you the login tonight,” Aava says, like that’s that. And the unfortunate thing is, that  _ is _ that.

 

#

 

The profile is annoyingly good. It’s probably better than it would’ve been if Zero made it himself, but it makes him sound attractive and cool. Hell, he would want to date the guy in this profile. Works a tech job, does martial arts, DJs on the weekends? That covers all the bases of Zero’s personality. She even included a cat meme, god bless her.

And the nice thing is that it’s anonymous, so there are no pictures of him. He sets his name as “Zero,” because it’s technically not his real name and so it doesn’t matter if he uses it. Besides, that way nobody he actually knows will swipe for him. Or message him. Or- he’s going to have to get Aava to show him how this website works.

But the profile is good, so he posts it publicly. And then he waits.

 

#

 

To: Aava   
how long does it normally take for people to message you?

From: Aava   
depends

From: Aava   
have you messaged anybody first?

To: Aava   
what?????

From: Aava   
this is a two-way website, z

To: Aava   
why would I look for people this is your idea

From: Aava   
you said yes

To: Aava   
that doesn’t mean I want this??

From: Aava   
god, calm down

From: Aava   
look at people’s profiles or don’t, but it goes faster if it’s a two-way street

 

#

 

Zero is eight messages deep with a guy - not because he’s flirting, but because the guy is super protective of his Rottweiler and Zero needs someone he can take his frustration out on - when Adnau’s voice says from behind him, “What are you doing?”

“Antagonizing the locals,” Zero says mildly, because he’s absolutely fucking not going to give Adnau the satisfaction of letting him know that he just scared Zero. He’s about to call that enough interaction for the day when he realizes that Adnau is bending over the couch, looking over Zero’s shoulder. “Why are you looking at my computer screen?”

“Is this a dating website?”

“Yes, and Aava set up the profile for me.”

“And Aava is your witch friend?”

“She’s not an actual witch, you know that, right?”

“And you’re using it to antagonize people,” Adnau says slowly. “You can do that?”

“It’s anonymous.”

“Interesting.”

“Yeah, it is,” Zero says, hoping that the guy will get the fucking hint.

Adnau sniffs. “Fine,” he says, and Zero doesn’t know what the fuck that means, but he hears footsteps going away from the couch.

Zero shakes his head. “Fucking weirdo,” he mumbles. He can add privacy to the list of things that Adnau apparently ignores, along with “calling Zero anything other than his given name” and “sleeping.” Aava was right. He needs to meet more new people. Or maybe just better people.

 

#

 

To: Aava   
okay new question

To: Aava   
let’s say someone messages me and I like them

From: Aava   
hold on

To: Aava   
?

From: Aava   
okay I have wine now go ahead

To: Aava   
jesus

From: Aava   
if you are asking me to help you flirt with somebody I am entitled to drink my way through it

To: Aava   
that’s fair

To: Aava   
what do I do

From: Aava   
text him back, dumbass

From: Aava   
anything more than that and I will start charging

To: Aava   
you needed wine to help you through that?

From: Aava   
I haven’t started drinking yet, ask me in ten minutes and I might have better advice

To: Aava   
you’re horrible

From: Aava   
and?

 

#

 

So there’s this guy on the website named Blue. He seems to be messaging basically everyone, and he also doesn’t seem to understand the difference between public and private messages. Which, it’s not like Zero can judge, because he had to make Aava explain it to him. But he messages Zero - writes on his wall, more or less - and Zero’s halfway through an eyeroll before he reads the message.

_ All of the stuff on your SoundCloud is old, do you have anything newer? I’m a music aficionado, I want to hear what you’re doing. _

Zero frowns and clicks around on his profile until he finds where Aava linked to his SoundCloud. It’s his public one, which is nice, but he has a second one where he posts the more experimental stuff. So he PMs Blue the link and writes “go nuts man” and expects some dumb line about being good with his hands.

Except Blue doesn’t reply with some dumb line. He replies,  _ You’re really into Picardy thirds, huh? _

So, holy shit, the guy actually knows music.

And it all snowballs from there. The guy asks about Zero’s martial arts and tells him about his job: he’s a lawyer, a junior associate at a big firm in a big city. He’s funny, in kind of an awkward way. And he answers Zero’s messages faster and more frequently than anyone else.

Zero is fucked, maybe. But in a good way. Hopefully, in a good way.

 

#

 

To: Aava   
new question

From: Aava   
if this question contains the word “Blue” I legally can and will kill you

To: Aava   
he’s a lawyer he’d catch you

From: Aava   
I’m very good

To: Aava   
how do I ask him if he wants to meet me

From: Aava   
how would you ask me?

To: Aava   
I’d say “yo bitch do you want coffee”

From: Aava   
do that

To: Aava   
I can’t do THAT

To: Aava   
I’d need to be nicer about it

From: Aava   
then be nicer about it, jesus christ

From: Aava   
am I just your common sense filter at this point

To: Aava   
yes but you’re good at it

 

#

 

It takes them four days to decide to meet in person, and Zero isn’t nervous.

Okay, that’s a lie, he’s definitely nervous, which is ridiculous. They already get along. He already knows they get along. The only thing that’s changing is that he’s about to have a face to associate with Blue, an actual person to put to the name and to the person he’s been getting to know.

He likes Blue, a lot more than he expected to. He wants this to go well.

So they pick a date and time and place, and Zero wears a purple hat, not because he likes purple hats but because he figured it’d be a pretty good signal. He gets to the coffee shop first, and he spends several minutes tapping his fingers and trying not to nervous-text Aava, or nervous-message Blue. He has to trust that this is going to go the way they planned it.

He’s debating getting a second coffee - is that a bad sign? did he drink his first one too fast? is he being stood up? - when he hears, to one side, “This isn’t what I expected.”

Zero knows that fucking voice.

Adnau slides into the seat across from him, looking deeply uncomfortable. And he’s wearing a blue tie, like he told Zero he would be. The blue tie is actually second to the blue sport coat, which Zero had no idea that his roommate owned. His roommate, Adnau. Who he lives with.

“Blue,” Zero says, voice flat with disbelief.

“It seems important to say that I genuinely didn’t know it was you,” Adnau - Blue, he said in one of the messages that he preferred Blue over his given name, holy shit, his roommate is Blue - says stiffly. “I had seen you using the website, and I thought it was a good way to meet people.”

“Because you’re new in town,” Zero realizes. “Right.”

“I-” Blue clears his throat and looks away. “I understand if this is - if it’s uncomfortable for you, or not what you were looking for. If you’d like to leave-”

“Are you asking me to leave?”

“I’m giving you the option.”

Zero sits back in his chair and thinks about it. He met Adnau online too, and that guy had seemed… stuffy. Nervous. But Blue isn’t like that at all. Blue is forthcoming and friendly, in his own way. His own nervous, stuffy way.

“I didn’t know you were a lawyer,” Zero says instead.

Blue looks back at him, confusion plainly written across his face. “What?”

“I didn’t know what you did for a living. I don’t think I’ve been a great roommate to you.” He shrugs. “I liked getting to know Blue. I think it’d be good for me to get to know you, too.”

Blue blinks, processing that, tapping one finger on his coffee cup. “We can try.”

“I’d like to try,” Zero says honestly, and Blue… smiles at him. An honest smile, maybe the first one he’s ever seen from Adnau. “I think it’d be good to try.”

 

#

  
To: Aava   
you’re never gonna fucking believe this

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on Tumblr and Twitter @waveridden!


End file.
